i.am.pipeclay

... new week, new worries... walang kwenta! hahaha!

2006-08-28T14:36:00.000+08:00

... what a busy week last week! partida... holiday pa nung monday... but it's all the same... tuesday to wednesday night, ngarag talaga... pasaway na map... kala ko madali lang... well, madali nga lang naman, nagpasaway lang... :P

... nothing unusual happened... saturday's spent with jam (after more than a week)... dumaan na din sa bench kasi may pinabili si ate len sa'kin... gonna get my HP 'half-blood prince' book na rin soon (sana bukas)... kahit na twice ko na nabasa, excited pa rin... syempre this time, it's really my book i'll be reading. I should be buying my own pero ate len promised me she'll get it for me.. so, that's better diba? kaya kahit medyo natagalan, tiniis talaga... hehehe... Sis, thanks for that and kung kukumpletuhin mo man yung HP set ko... hehehe.. salamat ng marami! you're so nice!!!

... sunday... sunday... hahaha... ultimate work-out day ko... Kaw ba naman ang maglaba ng pitong maong, apat na slacks, sandamakmak na blouse, jacket, etc... kundi ka ba naman magkamasel nun dahil sa mano-manong pagbabanlaw! Isipin mo pa na hinahabol mo ang araw (kahit makulimlim), e pang-exercise na sya talaga! buti nalang di na ako ang nagbanlaw ng mga damit nina kuya... iniisip ko pa lang, pagod nako...

... at kahit gabi na, naglamyerda muna kami ni "mom"... hehehe... sabi ko wala na akong shampoo, kaya nag-grocery kami... now i learned, during cases like this, better go sa sari-sari store or sa mas malapit na convenience store... kasi naman, dumami yung biniling supplies bukod sa shampoo eh... pag nasa grocery na kasi ako, dinadampot ko talaga yung gusto ko. Nakaka-inis...

... tas eto pang katangahan.. magwi-withdraw sana ako... may BDO machine malapit sa entrance so dun kami nagpunta ng nanay ko. After kong magpipipindot eh walang lumabas na pera and receipt. E di kinda panic na ko nun. Inquire sa ibang machine... tas tanong sa guard... Bigay naman sila ng instructions... Tas pag-uwi ko sa bahay, at nung makita ko yung last ATM transaction receipt ko, di naman pala nabawasan yung laman ng ATM card ko. Praning! Buti nalang nagtatago ako ng receipts, kundi mapapahiya ako sa banko kung siningil ko yung perang di lumabas sa machine... nu ba yun...

... at pag-uwi sa bahay, kala ko pagod nako... aba hindi pa pala... nagpaka-adik muna sa Rocket Mania.. the latest craze in the house... hehehe... si kuya den kasi adik.. hinawaan ako... naisip ko, okay sanang pampalipas ng antok yun dito sa office... e as if naman na makakapaglaro ako no? hmmp!!

.. and now that a new week has started, what's the latest worries?

magpupunta kaya ako sa anniv celeb nina tito mamaya?
mapapasa ko kaya ang map ko na dead bukas?
anu kayang babaunin ko for the rest of the week?
hanggang kelan kaya ang itatagal ng candies sa cube ko(yeah right, done with restocking... hehehe)?
kelan ko kaya mauuwi ang aking mga office unan?
kelan kaya ako masusundo ni jam since bago na ang kanyang sked?

... kaya next time ...

2006-08-17T10:03:00.000+08:00

... nakakahiya ako kanina... nakakainis... nakakatawa...

... i phoned jam before i went to work. kasi di nya pa alam what time kami magkikita later... so tumawag ako.. pag sagot ng phone, nabosesan ko na sya na yun.. bagong gising.. so sabi ko lang... "hello"... tamang loko-lokohan pa ata kami nun... tas nung tinanong nya kung asan nako, sabi ko "asa office na"... "naks naman, office na sya"... "hindi, asa bahay pa ko"... tas parang may sinabi sya na parang naiinis na, sabi nya "ASAN KA BA TALAGA?"... wondrin' why he got irritated, sumagot pa rin ako, sabi ko asa bahay nga...

... knowing jam, hindi naman sya ganun... so naisip ko.. shit... "si kuya rio 'to no?"... "sino ba 'to?"... "si Mel po"... "ay Mel... kala ko si Rachelle ka eh (gf nya)"... HAHAHA... shit talaga, naglokohan pa kami e di naman pala sya ang boypren ko... tawa talaga ako ng malakas kanina...

... kaboses ko daw kasi gf nya... e kaboses din nya kasi si jam lalo na pag bagong gising... nakakahiya tuloy...

... sabi ko nga kay jam, next time, maghe-hello na muna ako ng marami para masiguro ko kung sino na ang kausap ko. Nasanay kasi ako na pag alam kong sya na ang sumagot, biruan na agad sa phone.. hmm.. learned a lesson today!!! hehehe...

... monday oh monday!!! ...

2006-08-14T16:41:00.000+08:00

... weekend's been good... i didn't do any exhausting house-work (except for washing the dishes)... been out for two consecutive days... yey!!!

... last saturday, i stayed at his place, as i always do every other week... just met him up at the mall, did a book-hunt, ate a late lunch, stayed at their place, watched a movie and watched him sleep... hehehe... i tried sleeping myself but i just can't (and i dunno why)... he brought me home 'round 11pm... replacing our last jeepney ride with a walk, while planning things for october *excited*... hihihi...

... sunday came... after lunch, i went to meet some highschool friends... we should be looking for a gift (yeah... for the birthday boy!) but we ended up watching the movie "Click"... Enjoyed it though... i almost cried on the part nearing the end (just almost... i was able to stop myself from doing it when i saw Dhayz crying beside me.. hehe)... it's a good movie... Gege keeps on laughing even if it's his 2nd time seeing the movie (masama pa ang loob nya nung lagay na yun)... and it's really good hanging out with people you don't see much... Paolo, pag ayaw ako samahan ni Jam manood ng 'you are the one'... movie trip tau ha? magsama sa ka-kornihan!

... ayun... we ate dinner at Kenny's... picture-picture.. photo addicts talaga... there was also a baby near our table.. super cute.. sarap nakawin... just wave at him and say 'hi'.. he'll wave back at you.. there was even one point where he was trying to get free from his high chair to get to us... kakatuwa talaga.. we even took pictures of him(pics to be posted soon)... really cute...

... cocoy and jason arrived kind of late so we stayed longer... then we decided to visit kuya william (he has just arrived from Hawaii) and stayed there till i think 10pm... balitaan ng konti, kwntuhan, lokohan... then hinatid ako nina cocoy, jason and ge (Dhayz didn't go with us)... we'll be seeing each other soon this coming friday... i was hoping to see other highschool friends... *excited ulet*

... my... bored nako dito sa office... lahat na ng nakakatamad meron ang monday na 'to... miss jing is on SL, i don't have a map, it's raining, i've cancelled my meet-up sched with Ge, lahat na... i just spent the day reading this love story novel (the only thing between us)... and i nearly cried (again)... pinigilan ko lang kasi asa office ako e... the story's good... kapangalan pa ni Jam yung male main character... ang sweet nung story.. i mean yung characters... can't get enough... congrats sa author.. sana ma-publish na kasi bitin nga... promise.. i'd buy a copy.. hhehe...

... what should i look forward to for this week? Bowling on thursday's not yet sure... but Jam will surely pick me up after work. If bowling would be cancelled, we might end up hanging out on a movie or just have a dinner...

... oops... haven't seen my neopet yet... sign off muna!

... think about "marriage" ...

2006-08-08T15:43:00.000+08:00

--- i find this funny... Read on!

WHAT IS MARRIAGE???

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a LIFE SENTENCE).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: "How much does it cost to get married, Dad?" Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

10. Son: "Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her." Father: "That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!"

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

15. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

16. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

17. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.

18. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

19. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

20. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.

21. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

22. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

23. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL -- MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. "What happened?", asked his friend. He says "MY WIFE FOUND OUT".

24. WIFE: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight". HUSBAND: "OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on".

25. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: "AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER?" The other replied, "YES, I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN".

26. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

27. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

28. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

29. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

... bowling session ...

2006-08-07T12:04:00.000+08:00

... ay grabe... weekend's been a busy one... parang mas naging busy pa ako nung saturday-sunday kesa nung monday-to-friday ko last week e... Pano ba naman sa work wala naman akong map. Yung clone map ko na dapat e bukas ko ipapasa, hanggang ngayon nakapending pa dahil sa base map nya...

... sa bahay naman, sobrang busy. Pinagawa yung mga electric fan and washing machine (thank god)... tas naglinis ako ng banyo... grabe ang sakit ng braso ko paggising ko nung sunday... kaw ba naman ang magkuskos ng flooring.... kasi naman ang sisipag ng mga kuya ko eh... di mo mautusan maglinis ng bahay and ng banyo... kaya ayan patunay... ang mga only-girls sa family, HINDI SPOILED! kawawa nga kami eh *sob*sob*...

... nwei, oks naman ang friday night... nag-late birthday treat si Ermel... nag-KFC kami (ako, Wems, Rhea, Cynthia, KC, Emeng and Ermel)...

... after dinner, nagbowling naman kami sa Paeng's Midtown Bowl (?)... Rob Place Ermita?... kala ko nga di na kami papapasukin e dahil mga 9:30 PM na yun... e hanggang 2AM naman pala yung bowling dun kaya ayun...

... sumakit tyan ko sa kakatawa... puro kasi kalokohan sina KC... laging nanggugulo pag titira na ang mga girls... natalo tuloy kami... in fairness, nung lumipat naman samin si Emeng (switch sila ni Cynthia), nanalo kami. Na-inspire daw kasi si Emeng sa score name nya (gawin ba namang "AGA"?)...

,,, well, i promised to post the scores here... err... did i? hehehe... oks lang kahit nakakahiya ang scores... kulang lang kami sa practice

... kaya kayong mga boys... goodluck sa next match... (tapang ah!)... hopefully e matuloy tayo sa 17... sana naman walang panirang map project para masaya!!!

... pictures pala... care of Rhea (salamat sa lahat ng pics!!!)

... around 1:00 AM na ata ako naka-uwi... nakakatakot pa nung nasa taxi kami....

... si KC kasi ang naghatid samin nina Cynthia and Rhea... tas nung dumaan kami sa may Pier highway (papuntang moriones ata yun) may mga lumapit ba naman na lalaki sa taxi namin and akala mo e pinara nila yung sinasakyan namin para makasakay sila! They tried opening our doors and buti nalang nakapag-lock kami. Di pa sila nakuntento na sinubukan nilang buksan yung doors ni KC and Cynthia, umikot pa sila sa side ko and sa driver. Si manong driver di pala nag-lock ng pinto buti nalang bago pa yun mabuksan ng mga adik na yun, nakapag-lock din sya...

... grabe... natakot talaga ako... kahit lagpas na kami sa area na yun, nakahawak pa rin ako sa pinto sa side ko... e marami pa raw sila dun e, sabi ni Cynthia... mag nagda-drugs ata... tsk tsk...

... so suma total, napagod ako, inantok, kinabahan, natakot, nag-enjoy... lahat na... biruin mo yun, sa isang gabi lang lahat! whew!!!

... o sya tama na to... back to training!!!

... young casanova ...

2006-08-03T09:43:00.000+08:00

By Benjamin Joseph D. Collado III
Inquirer
Last updated 00:38am (Mla time) 07/26/2006
Published on Page C1 of the July 26, 2006 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer

IT'S ABOUT WAKING UP IN THE morning with a bad hangover and being hit by a very familiar feeling that you went overboard again last night.

It's about a one-night stand with a girl you met at a party, sneaking out of her room before she wakes, checking your things if something was missing, looking for her phone and purposely deleting your number from her phonebook.

It's about meeting a girl at a bar and offering her a ride home. It's about asking her if she wanted to go someplace private so you can talk--when both of you are aware that you have a different "talk" in mind.

It's about meeting your ex again after quite some time and noting how much better she looks now than she did before. It's about pushing the right buttons for her to give in. And finding yourself in bed with her without strings attached, all the while being grateful to your friend who told you it's good not to burn your bridges with your exes.

It's about seeing a girl and finding ways for you to meet her. With pickup lines being overused, you have a better chance of getting her number by having a friend go over and ask her politely if he can have his friend over there introduced to her. It's about texting with her the whole day, getting to know her, showing that you have a genuine interest in her, sharing sweet nothings on the phone and forwarding her cheesy quotes that work almost all the time.

It's about having your friend, your partner-in-crime, the Robin to your Batman--or whatever you want to call him--validate to her all your pledges of devotion and loyalty.

It's about perfecting the art of lying. Telling your girlfriend it was just you and the boys last night--go ask Robin. And not bothering to tell Robin what to say because he already knows the routine.

It's about keeping your girlfriend happy. Giving her gifts and surprises so she won't suspect your wayward ways.

It's about not caring if your girlfriend broke up with you because she caught you cheating. There are other fish in the sea, you say. You're better off a free man, free to do anything you pleased without worrying about getting caught.

It's about asking the girl you just met out for a date. Convincing her that you're for real. Making her forget about the warnings her friends gave about you.

It's about doing anything so you can bring her home tonight. And if everything else fails, it's always a good idea to have a plan B.

It's about saying the L word without breaking eye contact. Making her believe that you really mean it and that you're starting to fall for her. That's plan B.

It's about thinking of ways to break up with her if she starts to get clingy. Thinking of the standard breakup lines and wondering if she'll buy it.

It's about rushing to your friend's girlfriend with a shoulder to cry on. Telling her that everything's gonna work out fine. Comforting her one minute, making out the next.

It's about going out with your friends and partying all night. Drinking till dawn and playing around with girls.

It's about waking up in the morning with a bad case of hangover and a very familiar feeling that you went overboard again last night.

Deja vu.

Ugly cycle.

It really is an ugly cycle. After years of a life like this, you begin to ask yourself if there is more to life than drinking all night and finding someone to hook up with. And in the morning when you wake up, no matter how much you soap yourself, you still have this uneasy feeling that you're still dirty.

Your friend has found a girl that he's serious about. When you go out with your friends, you find him taking a raincheck because he has to spend time with his girl. You and your friends wonder what has gotten into him. You even wonder if he's lost his mind. How can he even think about trading this kind of life? There's nothing better than a bachelor's life.

It's all fun and games the first few years. But after a while, you look at yourself in the mirror and find the traces of abuse you did to yourself. And if you don't change your ways, you fear that maybe someday you'll find yourself alone and lonely.

And after all the years of booze and girls, you can finally sum up your life in one word--empty.

Maybe it's not good to spend your life that way. Maybe your friend hasn't lost his mind, after all.

What you need is to find someone who can make you look forward to another day. Someone who, when you think about her, never fails to put a smile on your face.

Someone who makes you want to be a better man--to steal a line from pareng Jack Nicholson.

Someone who fills that emptiness in you, making you complete.

Before, when you used to wake up in the morning and find somebody in your arms, your first thought was how you could get rid of her without hurting her feelings. But now, what you need is a girl who makes you want to think of reasons and ways to let her stay in your arms.

Because when she's right there beside you, it is as if everything's okay. That nothing else matters but you and her.

You need somebody who makes you miss her so much that you buy a bottle of her perfume and spray it on your pillows so, when you go to bed at night, you can hug the pillow with her scent on it and wish that it was really her you were hugging.

You need somebody who makes your heart skip a beat when she smiles at you. Who makes you feel so comfortable and safe that you pour out your heart to her, unburdening secrets that you've kept for a long time. And having her tell you that it's okay, you have a new slate now, that you can leave everything where it belongs, in the past, and concentrate on what lies ahead of you.

You need someone who makes you listen more to love songs on the radio. Someone whom you pray for at night before you sleep. Someone you wish you'd dream about, for even while you sleep, you still want to be with her.

Someone whom you can finally look in the eye, without all the guilt and deceit, and tell her you love her. And you get this mushy feeling inside that tells you it's true. You want to shout over the rooftops, you love her, and she loves you! There's no better feeling in the world.

I have found my someone. I have found my all. I've been wanting to ask this for a long time now. And I think there's no better timing than now.

So here I am, down on one knee, asking you, my someone. Will you marry me?

--- found this on my ymail... thought it's something sweet that others would enjoy...

... ang sweet noh? others might find it corny, or mushy... but i guess love's really corny and mushy anyways... and who cares if it makes your heart like it wants to speak for itself?

... basta ako... too glad na rin coz i've already found my someone... too glad na hindi naman sya naging ganyan... too glad to know that he may not be the best but 100% sure he's better... too glad to feel that i am indeed lucky to have him...

... fortunately ... unfortunately ...

2006-08-02T18:15:00.000+08:00

It's my second petiks day... hehehe... and since naisip ko na kanina kung gano kaboring ang magpapetiks-petiks lang (wag ka ng magreact Jam!), i asked our team lead for a map...

Fortunately... may na-provide naman sya sakin.. Sayang kasi clone map lang... hehehe.. mas maganda kasi ang new/base map.. mas mabigat ang bilang sa quota! hahaha...

Unfortunately, parang pumetiks din ako today. San ka ba naman kasi nakakita ng clone map na wala namang base map na binigay? Yung mga analyst talaga namin... kakaiba... Kulang-kulang sa info ang mga binibigay kaya nadedelay ang maps namin e...

Haay.. lapit nako umuwi.. nakakatamad. Uwing uwi na ko.. Nag-promise na kasi ako sa sarili ko (kami ni nessa) na di na kami mag-o-OTY hanggat maaari. Kaya dapat laging maximize ang oras sa office. I also realized that i'm being unfair on myself, dedicating ten hours at work (minsan pa more than 10 hours) just for a map na minsan di ko naman fault kung bakit nagtatagal... This time, sana matupad ko tong resolution ko na ito.

Today's been a typical one... pagdating sa work... check ng neopets... hehehe.. tas check ng mails, ayos ng pedestal, kinig ng mp3s, hingi ng map, aral ng spec, send ng query, lunch with nessa and bertot, toothbrush (pati ba yun?), summarized query reports, phoned Jamjam about tomorrow, meryenda, kwentuhan with cubemates, anu pa ba? Sana naman bukas di na ulit ganito...

Healthy nga naman ang magka-break.. wag lang yung matagal... nakaka-B-O-B-O kasi minsan... hehehe :)

... misunderstanding and the 200 thousand words ...

2006-07-31T19:28:00.000+08:00

-- i got this from my office mail... nung binasa ko, naiyak ako... it's a good story...

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.

I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant some greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat the flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her know the full price of everything would solve it." There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and is exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.

From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and that resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again. One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me. I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"

After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.

That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After sometime, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I couldn't. I threw down the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really didn't mean it. We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs.

For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have no appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at the low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible, you should go and see a doctor."

The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day?

At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart.

I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me round in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight? Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.

That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.

The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless.

I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...

I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if.....

In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother. Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all. Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything.

The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.

That night, he did not come home, he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other. He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff.

I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.

I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death. One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it.

In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there.

After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him.

“LD, you are pregnant?"

Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said:

"Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other.

Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me, I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't.

In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scares in each other's heart. For me, its unintentional; for him, totally intentional.

I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.

Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him.

From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart.

Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there is love, but now, what is there between us?

Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing all the way till baby was born. Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing, but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?

He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in, his warm eyes caused me to managed a smile at him despite my contraction pain.

Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son, and me, his eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.

Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had cancer? Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no long has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through your life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me:

"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby... My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me... These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging..."

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..."

He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang thought the air as tears slowly rolled down my face...

L… THE END …L

"It's better to lose your pride to the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride".

A fatal misunderstanding and the person who love me the most in this world is gone forever. This is a true story, taken from "Family" (dictated by LD, edited by LSX, translated by SaFe).

Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late.

... can't live without wenyu ...

2006-07-28T21:55:00.000+08:00

Just done with my ACE map... I'm so glad that i was able to pass it on time... Well, actually, i could have passed it ahead of time if only Wenyu caught my problem early (manisi ba?)...

Kasi ba naman, dahil sa queries ko, i was forced to manipulate all the numeric data i have MANUALLY. From trimming zeroes, inserting decimal, extracting characters... whew... tas isa-suggest lang ni Wenyu to change the format into Numeric and add a specific mask. Yung 300+ lines of codes ko, isang line lang ang katapat!

I'm not blaming Wenyu.. In fact sobrang thankful nga ako.. pinadali nya ang buhay ko... Di ko talaga ma-imagine buhay ng SSA mappers kung wala si Wenyu... at kung may idol man ako sa mapping, sya na siguro yun...

San ka pa ba makakakita ng isang tao na tulad nya? Na nagpupuyat hanggang alas-3 ng madaling araw (US-based sya) para lang sagutin ang mga tanong namin. Tas sobrang bait, di nagsasawa sa pagtuturo ng gagawin. Ang friendly nya pa, kasi tuwing nagko-communicator kami, kahit magtatanong lang ako ng about sa map ko, mauuwi na yun sa kung anung kwento. Idol ko talaga si Wenyu...

Kaya ayan.. i'm ready for a new map on Monday!!! Kelangan maka-quota.. hahaha!!!

... small things can feel like very big luxuries ...

2006-07-20T14:31:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow, one week nakong petiks...
...
... hay buhay... pag busy ka, you'll wish na wala kang ginagawa. Pag wala ka namang ginagawa, gusto mo naman ng meron. E anu ba talaga? Sana kasi pwedeng matulog dito diba? hehe...

Nweis, i was checking my friendster page a while ago, and it occured to me na lague pala akong nagtse-check ng horoscopes.. (*naman*)... and after seeing my own sign's saying for the day, i'll automatically click Jam's. There's this line that's quite reflecting...

"With just a little bit of imagination, small things can feel like very big luxuries."

Thinking... oo nga naman... We've always wanted some things that money can buy... Phones, clothes, bags, shoes, gadgets, or cars, house and lots... we do some silly things to achieve them, when in fact, there are more than a hundred reasons or things we should be thankful that we have them...

Kaya ako... at this very moment, i wanna thank God for the following treasures he has granted kahit di ako masyadong naging mabait:

1. Syempre, for my life... even if i'm not the richest person on earth, e i could still consider myself lucky that I'm healthy, educated, working, and simply happy...

2. for my family.. though we're not 100% perfect, we know deep inside that we still care for one another...

3. for my friends, who keep on helping me survive a boring day... and for staying with me whatever my mood is...

4. for my special someone, jam, for teaching me (or for making me realize) how life should be... i really learned a lot...

5. for Harry (err.. Potter?).. HAHAHAHA!!! for helping me spend my mapless hours in the office wisely (wisely?).

...

Naah.. ang hirap talagang mag-count ng blessings... Seems like it'll take a lifetime thanking everyone and everything in my life...

Basta I'm glad... coz i know I'm so blessed having this life, and all the things this life has...

... hello world ...

2006-06-24T15:00:00.000+08:00

This has been what? My fourth blog account? Seems like I just can’t get enough with other blog-hosting sites... And to think I’ve simply managed to update only one of them.. I wonder how come I said such... Hehe...

It’s a Saturday... and it’s raining right now... Chill... time to sleep (later..). I got home almost 5 o’clock in the morning yesterday ( I mean today)... I went to Miss Valderama’s place (she’s our 2nd yr highschool PE teacher and cheering squad adviser) coz her father has just passed away... I went there with Gerald, Paolo, Nem, Nebar and JC... (thank you guys for bringing me home... all-time-gentlemen talaga)... Nwei, what kept me busy this past few weeks? Ahh.. work... my ever interesting work *grin*... that last XML map was really challenging.. Thinking I’ve come to get six (as in 6) updates of my map specs... beating the deadline (but still submitted it almost 2 weeks delayed)... I’d say that map was also quite difficult to develop. How did I say so? Because Tunz and Cel (our two key devs) also got a hard time helping me with it... And to say, they’re the best among our team.. challenging.. really... I wonder how would that suppose to reflect on my appraisal... Bad for me? I think not... It’s the analyst’s fault he/she didn’t make that spec perfect before I get it... grr... hehe... well, I know part of it was my fault too...